I grew up in Lombard, IL with two older siblings.  My parents were divorced by the time I was one.  Although we saw my dad every other weekend, my mom was the one with the full responsability of raising us for almost all of my formative years.  She really struggled with this, and with not having a husband to help her.  My mom worked full time about an hour away from home so during the week we rarely saw her.  We really spent a lot of time at the babysitter’s in those days.  Due to the situation, I really think my mom did the best should could with what she had.  She made little money and had very little skills as far as parenting went. 

What my mom did do for us though, was have us in church as much as possible.  If the door to the church was open, we were there.  My mom believed that a faith in God was essential for a life of success.  We memorized all the bible verses, sang all the songs, said all the prayers, and I accepted Christ into my life at a very early age.  I truely believed that God came to Earth, died on a cross for my sins and rose again.  I believed that He would come back someday and is preparing a place for me in heaven.

On the outside, I was the good kid.  I didn’t get into trouble at school, was usually on the honor roll and, with the except of a smart mouth at times, was pretty easy to parent.  On the inside, a whole other world was taking place.  I was sexually abused at an early age, which left me feeling dark and dirty.  I always felt people were looking down at me and considered me lower than them as a result.  No one ever knew the hurt and pain I went through, but I just felt like people could sense this about me.

As a result, I was very easily taken advantage of sexually.  My self esteem went to record lows and I had a hard time saying no, or even wanting to say no.  Although, I knew every time what I was doing was wrong, and would cry out to be saved from my actions.  Still though, I became very promiscuous.  I felt God couldn’t love me, and neither could man, so it just didn’t even matter.

This went on for many years.  Not continuously, as I was still involved in the church at this time.  I always felt a sense of God calling me to come back and live for Him.  I knew what He said in Jeremiah 29:11 was true, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future.”  I knew those things were true, but this hidden sin just kept taking over my life.  I would have mountains and valleys of good years.  And then, suddenly, out of nowhere, I would be hit with the same temptations and find myself entwined in the same types of sin once again.  I even went to a Christian seminary during this time, went through some Christian counseling, and still, got drawn back into this very dark lifestyle.

In 2003, I finally hit bottom.  I was hurting so bad from my sin, I just felt like I wanted to die.  I remember being in my car and thinking I should just drive off a cliff and end this in my life.  I no longer wanted to fight this fight.  What stopped me was thinking of my family and friends and how it would hurt them.  I drove home, crying out to God all the way.

That night a friend called me and I finally told someone the truth about who I was.  We cried together and were able to share our true hearts.  In that moment, it was like someone had lifted a weight off of my shoulders.  I finally realized I didn’t have to carry this alone.  I knew why God had said to, “Bear one another’s burdens”.  Galatians 6:2  It just freed me up to be myself, for others to hold me accountable and to be able to really know me and for me to find out they still loved me.

This caused such relief in my life, and peace in my heart.  I really believe that there was a change in me that day.  2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.  The old has gone, the new has come.”  I really believe that was true for me that day.  I believe I was finally in  Christ, I released the sin to Him, by being able to be real about it, and stop hiding it.  I knew God was changing my heart and my life.  Also, I believe true repentance was taking place that day.  In being able to admit that I had a problem to another person, it gave me freedom to repent and then move on with my life.

Three weeks later I met my husband.